This place has been boring lately. Let's hear some funny shiat.

I'll go first

I was on a double date with a buddy one night and the girls got us to take them to a martini bar called BANG! here in town. Nice summer evening and we're sitting on the patio having a few drinks and some sort of tapas. Anyway, I had been out the night before drinking professionally and ate lunch at Guads (local Messican place). Yeah.
It didn't creep up on me. It was all at once. I actually caught it in the nick of time but I had a very small time frame to work with. You know how the back of your neck will tense up suddenly?
Cool as James Bond in the 70's, I mention that the bar takes forever so I'll go put in another round (and blow up the toilet) and I'll be right back. Smooth.
Order the drinks and duck walk to the unisex bathroom. With no fan. No window. Not even a can of airspray. It wasn't even a bowel movement. It was a spasm. All done in one auto-burst. I almost threw up. It was truly disgusting in that room. I flushed the commode instantly but somehow that funk got out between my knees or something and was running around in a very trendy bathroom. Holding my breath, I got up and got buckled up. Opened the door and there stood the best looking blonde woman I've ever seen. In person, picture whatever. Scandanavian. 5' 10" 34C. I closed my eyes and walked by her. "Oh, oh God that's horrible" was all I heard as I walked to the bar for the drinks.
Smooth.

Allright my cousin, his friend, and I was settin out decoys one mournin while goin duck huntin. Anyway it's 4:30 AM and his friend ask him if he had any toilet paper in da boat cause he feel a turd commin on. Cousin say no he ain't got no toilet paper in da boat and tell him to just cut off part of his under shirt and use dat. So ole boy hangs his rear end off da side of da boat and all I could hear is da most nastiest liquified turd exsplosion I've ever heard. He finally finishes and again ask if we sure der is no TP in da boat, again cousin tell him no and to just tear off part of dat shirt. Ole boy say F dat shirts cost money and all dis good clean bayou water is free. So he start splashin dat good clean bayou water on his rear end and wipin wit his hand then he even wiped off da mess he made on da side of da boat again wit his hand when he finished he rinsed his hands off in dat bayou water.
Next thang we know its 5:45 AM we gots da boat all brushed waitin on shootin hours and I hear "pop..pop..pop..pop.." I turn around and he openin a can of skoal and put in a big dip. I says man you just wiped da sh*t off your a$$ wit da same hand. He say yea but I cleaned half of it off wit dat good clean bayou water.

Dispatched to a 'swingers' party last night in reference to a lady beating her husbands van to pieces with a crescent wrench. Seems the party went fine until the lady seen her husband having anal sex with another gal. Well the party fell apart after that. Seems alot of alcohol was consumed. Went there the first time and had the other couples to go into each room and go to bed and the husband said he would go out and sleep in the van. The wife would go downstairs and sleep in the extra bedroom. O.K. we left. Ten minutes later we are back and she is destroying the van. No law against tearing your own vehicle up. Well we asked her to go back in and go to bed. She said you MF'rs might as well take me to jail because as soon as you leave I'm going back out there and tear the van up. So she went to jail.
It was fun asking everyone what happened before the incident occured.
You know things are not right when you get to the house and their 15 yoa son tells us his parents are having some swingers over.
Randy

About one of the funniest dayum thing I've ever seen on the lake fishing happened this past weekend fishing the McDonald's Big Bass Splash on Sam Rayburn. As you can imagine the lake was packed with a fishing tournament giving away over 1 million in prizes. My partner and I are up in a creek fishing a bunch of ditches and drains with about 20-30 other people in the area. It was pretty dang chilly on Friday morning. Enough so that we put on our rain gear to stay warm as we weren't expecting it. The water temp was in the upper 60's if I remember correctly. Anyway, there are these two older guys fishing out of a nice Champion Bass Boat from Lousiana. We hear this big splash over by the Champion and think this guy just hooked a monster. NOPE! Look over and the dude in the front running the trolling motor has fell off the side of the boat. All we can see are his feet and rod. His partner runs up and grabs his rod. He shimmies to the back of the boat and climbs back in.

WELL, there is this black guy fishing over there next to him. I can hear the two black guys asking him if he is alright, and then the one black guy says, "MAAAAAAAAAN! I'm glads to know I'm not the only one that does taht shits!"

I thought my buddy and I were going to fall out of the boat laughing. Have to hand it to the 'ol boy though. He fished the rest of the day in that cove in those wet clothes.

Buddy of mine fishes a lot of tournaments on the Potomac and James. When he's pitching a jig with 7' stick he sets the hook hard. I mean chopping wood hard. We were helping him pre-fish a river for a tourney and happened to see him get a bite.
He set the hook like he was trying to snatch the bones out that fish. He reared back against the pedestal seat....which was not all the way in the hole. The pole popped out of the base and he fell backward sllooooooowwlllyy. I thought he might catch himself. Nope. He went in like a tree.
Same day we had a guy get in to a jug of shine. Ole ricky's a good quiet type fella but when he drinks he gets a little mouthy.
He was fishing next to a big dock and a party boat was heading out. Some serious tail strutting on the deck. Bikini and white whine.
Ole Ricky waves at one girl and she waves back.
He hollers "hey girl, can I smell your puzzyy?"
She says "No" in a very snotty tone
Rick yells so everyone can hear....

"Must be your gotdamm feet then.." Dudes were laughing so hard they had to sit down and quit fishing.

Now that is funny lol

Dat night was passing for us just like a lot of them utter nights had past. We was shootin seaux good dat nothin was passing by us and gettin away unless we let it. We don already have us a limited of pwason rouge, I think maybe yall call dem redfish, and we was workin on gettin us the required limited about of flounders. It was just one of dem good nights. We had got seaux good dat we wouldn’t even shot at flounder if he was not the complete size of a full grown five gallon bucket lid. Dats how good we was shootin dat night.

I was workin what dey called the trollin motor. For what dey called it a trolling motor for is beyond me. First, it is put on the front of the boat and second we ain’t pullin no troll. If maybe we wanted some shrimp, we might maybe be pullin a troll, but we was sticking flonder. Anyway, I don’t mean to get philisoficals on yall so let me get back to what I was first talking about.

We was passin close to the edge of the marsh looking for dem flounders what met our requiements to get into our chest of ice. A bunch of time while I was working dat troll motor, I might not see when Tilton would take a shoot or someting in back of the boat. All I would heard is his string flew and then I would look back and he would be puttin a fish in the box. Most of the time dey was smaller den the ones I put, but dats alright too. We can’t all be good like dat.

As I come to make the boat pass under a few of dem small trees what grow along the marsh some times the back of the boat passes under dem same trees what the front of the boat had passes, imagine dat! We were workin our selfs back towards the place where we put the boat in the water, I believe the correct term for this place is the marina. Well anyways we was getting close enough to see and hear some of the people who was fishin there in the lights on the utility poles. All of a sudden, as the boat come out from under one of dem trees, I hears the most blood curdeling, shreecking, small girlish screams I had ever heared. It was seaux loud and seaux shreekish dat dem hairs on da back of my neck stooded up and wanted to see too what the hell it was.

When I looked back at the spot where Tilton was bouncing around, I saw a small, really small tootaloo crab, I think most people call dem fiddler crabs, me I call dem tootaloo crabs, I did never see one wit a fiddle, but anyways, I saw the look in dat poor little crabs face and my first thinking was it was what was screaming like dat cause it had found it self on Tiltions back. Well not seaux, It turned out it was Tilton who had been screaming like a little school girl! He was screaming “Get It Off Of Me, Get It Off Of Me”! You see what had happened is Tilton had one of dem shirts what you call a mussle shirt, I think he got jipped when he bought dat shirt cause it didn’t come with no mussles, anyway, dat little crab had fell on his bare skin on his back dat was not covered by dat shirt. Well every time dat poor, frightened, little crab would make step to get off of his back, dem little legs only got points on de ends of dem. This made Tilton tink somethin was biteing him and he would just scream more and more everytime dat crab would walk.

Well after watching Tilton dance around for what seemed to be like ten or nine minutes, but was most likly five or four seconds, dat poor little crab found his way off of Tilton’s back and into the water where he was most safe at. When dat happened, Titlon finally looked up at me and dats when he saw me laughing seaux hard dat I could not breath, let alone say anything to him. At dat time, I believe he might even have been kind of mad wit me at dat point, I’m not too sure he was mad, but for just an instant he looked mad. Well he did untill he hears all the people at the marina laughing too. Seaux you see it wasn’t just me who was laughing.

Well wen he was in a state of mind where I could describe to him what dat terrible monster what was eatin his back up was, he became to understand why me an all dem utter people was laughing. But de good thing to come of it is after all dat, we did get enough flounders to make that limited out and I am pretty sure dat just as we brought the boat back to the marina, I saw dat crab, he was looking much better den the last time I seen him on Tilton’s back, he even looked like he wouldn’t have any long time disabilities from his ordeal. It’s just like dem old folks say, “Say La Vie”

when i was n college... (after you read this you will realize why i didnt graduate).

We were at a party in the boonies.... me and a buddy were about 6 hours past drunk and ended up hooking up with a couple of hotties. We went back to their trailer (i know...we like em classy). Just when things started to get interesting i realized i had to take a huge dump, and if i didnt start making my way to the crapper, she would be wearing it shorty (which would have been a cool story in itself). So i tell her to hold up a minute, I have to go get ready. I hit the jon, drop em and let the load fall. It felt like I had not taking a sh*t in 6 months. I dont believe i ever had or ever will have taken a dump so big. I mean there was crap above the water line. This is not the point...

I wipe it clean and press the handle and begin to say goodbye to the largest pile of crap known to man. The water swirled maybe three times then stopped. I tried again to no avail...i had stopped up the toilet with pure crap...no paper was involved in this...just pure, human processed crap. I look for a plunger or anything to stir the pot in order to break up this masterpiece. Nothing was available.

So here in lies the delima...
Do I A) Run out the door laughing my a$$ of telling her its her problem now.
B) Hurry out and continue on with business hoping she doesnt smell the trouble lurking in her bathroom.
C)Or come up with a nonembarassing solution and hopefully restart the party.

I chose "C"...here's my brillant plan.

I looked around and when I couldnt find anything, I then saw the window. I opened the window and looked around outside. I saw that the airconditioner was right below the window. So I crawled out the window, found a good stirdy stick from a ole sweetgum being the house, crawl back inside and begine to break that terd up. After about 15 minutes the mighty brown being falls victim to the toilet and goes away. I then come out of the bathroom feeling like a trojan warrior after slaying 1000 men with my bear hands t find my buddy sitting in front of the bathroom door waiting on me.........and both girls past out in the living room floor. So we left. What a night.