but I almost pissed myself laughing


I found this on a message board I was surfing earlier today -- Lookin for some info and found this about a trip to a hooker LOL

Oh shit, I guess I'll tell this one. I've got many more, but this is by far the worst I've ever had from BP. I've never told anyone this story. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. Shut up, it ain't funny.

I guess it was some time in the summer of '07, I was trolling Backpage and came across a new lady, maybe mid 30's, homely but cute, staggeringly massive boobs. I contacted her and we actually IM'd and texted back and forth for a few days, and eventually set up an hour meeting at her place. Her last IM to me read, "BTW, I'm kinky if that's ok?" I responded that it was fine, because I was too.

I pull up to her place, beautiful duplex in a really nice area. Kinda like those "To Catch A Predator" areas. A little too nice. I pull in her driveway, and god damned if there isn't one of those big white Ford Econoline vans parked right in the shared driveway. Tinted windows. Dude just sitting in it. Total cop-mobile, right? I look up, and make eye contact with the dude, and I freak, pull out and bail. I do a couple circles around the block, and when I come back, the dude is gone.

Call me a dumbass if you like, but I just drove 75 miles to get here. So, I'm either getting some, or I'm getting popped by the Po-Po. I let my testicles descend from my throat, pull back in her driveway, ring the bell, and lo-and-behold, she answers. Cute, thick, milf, massive tankers, peaking her head through the door. She rushes me inside and quickly shuts the door, since she was almost butthouse nekkid.

We greet, she tosses me a beer, and we sit there on her couch and BS for like, 45 minutes. She was cool as hell, but I was still waiting for the cops to kick down the door at any moment, like they were just waiting for me to slip up and say something. That was until "it" happened.

Out of god damned nowhere, this pleasantly plump 35 year old housewife leaps through the air, straddles me, pinning me down on the couch, and starts licking my god damned face rapidly and repeatedly like a spastic Saint Bernard who ain't seen its owner in 6 months. Just lapping me up like a water bowl. I don't know WTF to do, because I don't know WTF is going on, my face is soaked, I'm disgusted yet furiously turned on at the same time, and I don't know why. Then, she starts shoving her tongue in my mouth, and I'm getting ready for what I supposed was going to be DFK, but instead, she starts licking my god damned gums. Furiously, licking my gums. All over, top and bottom, above, below, and behind the teeth. Full scale dental deep cleaning. Again, disgusted, yet somehow turned on by this.

Mercifully, after I'm struggling to catch my breath, she gets up, and starts SHOVING me into her bedroom. Pushes me down on the bed, pulls out handcuffs from her drawer, cuffs me to her bed, ties my legs down with neckties, slips on a monkey blanket, basically fucking rapes me, and then it got weird.

She got herself off, got me off, pulls off the rubber, empties it into her mouth, and as I'm looking up at her, she THBBBBBTS snowballs it out all over me, stands over top straddling me, and says, and I'll never forget these words, "Its ok, I'll wash it off", and then god damned pisses all over me. Like a fucking race horse, just flushing herself out. I'm like freaking the hell out, but can't say anything because its in my best interest to keep my lips closed until Secretariat finishes her morning expulsion.

She finishes, smiling her ass off, I'm covered with a mix of my spooge and her piss, laying in a soaked bed, terrified. Her response, "Yeah, I'm definitely a little kinky." Like the classy damsel she CLEARLY was, she offered to let me shower.

I head off to her bathroom, dripping, cold, confused. I couldn't shower, I just wanted to leave, fast. I dry myself off (as I shudder while typing this), get dressed, and left quickly, not saying more than a few words. I mentioned at the beginning it was summer, right? Hot as hell outside, so that's not helping the piss that's in my hair. I roll up on a Quik Trip, buy 4 bottles of water and a travel pack of Alka Seltzer. I use 3 bottles to hose myself down in the middle of the parking lot, and the other to gargle with Alka Seltzer.

Something in the combination of being unexpectedly snowballed, pissed on by a fat housewife, 90 degree heat, cold water being dumped on my head, and a mouthful of effervescent antacid, caused me to ralph everywhere, capping off the worst 2 hours of my life.

Holly shit lmao that is freaking hilarious

Damn

touchette you bastard Holy.....but holly probably would have made it more interesting, i gagged when he said she pissed on him, hell i almost pissed myself laughing, i read it to the guys up here at work

Roflmao:shock::-o:lol::lol::lol:

You mean this is not normal sexual activity?

I had simular experiance but didnt have to pay for it. Chick was bat shit crazy!
almost bit my tounge off. Never forget her name either Julie. Scared me to death and she was only a senior in highschool and i was a sophomore. it almost ruined me. I still get freeked out wehn i see here around. i can just imagine what shes into now!

Can I have her number click?

That shit there was pretty damn funny

Sounds like a "I hope the serve beer in hell" story

Dam thats some funny shit

BradS she was what you called a squirter. at the time when she went to getting off it thought she was pissing on me. it was in my bed in my parents house. And we were upstairs "watching a movie" how do you explain a bed soaken ass wet. i had to pull the sheets off and sleep on a towl that night and throw the sheets in the washer before school that next day. she kept asking me to pull her pony! i was like " WTF's a pony" then she reached back and pulled her ponytail. after that it was like i was behind a wild bronco. she was a freek.

oh the stories i have i could share. i got tons of them.

End of the line is when physical pain starts. pain dont rev my engine it chokes it out.

End of the line is when physical pain starts. pain dont rev my engine it chokes it out.

I'm warning you now, you don't want to here have the shit brandon has done, thats those morning hunts when you get bored and thats the only conversation that pops up.

Oh, what fun that was yall laughed yalls ass off!

yeah but i quit laughing when you started mentioning guys neames, like a horrible curve ball hit straight out of bounds. Game changer lmao

This thread has kept entertained all day today at work

Whoa whoa whao i nver talked about sex wit no man!

I still got tears in my eyes from laughing so dam hard, Fuckin secratariat.....priceless

...sounds like a damn good time to me!

X1,000 on the "squirters" out there. Those gals are few and far between, but OHHHHHH when you find one!!!!! I had my first in college, and I was like a kid in a rainy candy store. Talk about an ego boost! It was like I could do no wrong... As soon as you get in deep, you just feel a warm, sticky wall of liquid surrounding your lower half, like your lower half is riding the glaze conveyer belt at the donut shop. After I pissed that chick off in college for some damn reason and we quit doing the deed, I thought I'd never find another like her, but oh how I've tried... Finally, like something way outta left field, a buddy of mine's little sister was in town two weeks ago and brought her sorority sister in for a night from NOLA. So my buddy and I were both after the friend (for some reason, he wasn't interested in his little sister; I'd have been happy with either of them), so we spent the whole night trying to wooo her with excessive shots. Well the joke was on him when we got back to the car to leave, and his sister asked him to drive her car. Wouldn't you know it, five minutes down the road, she and I are sucking face in the back seat as he's cussing the rear view mirror (I made it a point to be doing it in the middle of the back seat so he could see us. ). Soooo he pulls up to my house to drop me off, and I pulled the tried and true: "You've gotta come meet Jamal (my dog)!!!" She might have been halfway outta the car and my buddy was already pulling away, madder than hell. So we went inside, met Jamal, yada yada yada, got in the bed...and OH MY GOOOODDDDDDDD!!!! This chick is going nuts! I've got whiskey dick and every shot the two of us fed her has apparently been quickly turned into sticky wonderfulness that's now raining down on me like warm sunshine. In my head, "I DID IT!!! I FOUND ANOTHER!!! GOOD LORD DOES THIS THING EVER RUN OUT??????" I had the time of my life and then a few more great times the next morning. Well apparently my two female roommates were not nearly as impressed with my new friend, but hey, I might marry that girl! I'm not sure if I ever made a point here or even a coherent sentence, as I'm just truly that excited even thinking about it, but long story short: if you've never had a squirter, DO! Trust me.

I would think that shit would get old.

You dont think having a women pissing fluid every time you had sex and soaking everything down would get old? Not the having sex part, just the clean up afterwards.

Rubber sheets and no carpet in the bedroom! lol

Lol

Youre a floor guy --- whats it matter about the floors



oh and just keep lots of towels on hand and make her sleep on the wet spot -- LOL

On the heirarchy of problems in my life, I feel like that's one I could cope with.

O apparently you never been with one!! Lol they go into this fucking trance lol!! It will make you poke your chest out for sure!!

Mine kept pulling off and just quivering. I'd pull her pony so i could saddle back up and it was like she was having multipules. after i got a good hand rap full of that ponytail there wasnt anymore pulling off, she was on it till i had my fill. She went on to be a swimsuit model for a few years and married some dude with tons of money. little small guy. Poor fella aint even getting close to the spots i had hit.